My Top 10 Compatibility Questions to Find True Love
At 39, Do My Fears For Love Outweigh my Knowledge of Compatibility?
You let go a little as you get older.
You stop trying so hard.
You let the fish come to you and stop tugging so hard. You take a chance when you feel it and let go of rejection as a personal assault on your true self.
Move on and breathe and embrace your life.
Change is good.
My dating life is somewhat mysterious to me right now. I have been traveling lately, and as I drive past the Lake Michigan highways through Chicago, into Northern Michigan, my mind meanders about the horizon like the never-ending dots of cotton clouds.
When I think about love, I tend to wonder if I will find a woman that makes me laugh and grow as much as I am attracted to and infatuated with her?
The #1 Question I Ask (and one I’ve been asking my friends lately): What are the five qualities you’d take in a partner in an arranged marriage on a deserted island?
Here are my answers in no specific order, unless subconsciously, they do matter.
1. Be weirdly humorous (to me).
2. Be kind to all beings.
3. Be athletically attractive (to me).
4. Demonstrate EQ (a high emotional intelligence means she is a probably a better communicator than me).
5. Be silly adventurous (let’s pony up for this pony race across Siberia).
Yes, these cotton cloud ideas and fantasies weave through my mind and the five qualities I would take to my island and live happily with for the rest of my life just sit there in view, floating along, reminding me of what I don’t have (yet).
Just keep waiting Huff, people say, she will come.
But will she?
Why will she?
Did I take the chances necessary to find her?
Love will find you, everyone says.
Yeah, because you found love dumbass (sorry, you aren’t dumb)! What about the million of single people out there eating ramen and scooping peanut butter into their faces with a spork?
(For the record, I don’t own a spork).
But I do have amazing friendships.
These loving friends make me tear/crack up when I think about not having them in my life. But I am on the road. I travel. I work. I grind. I influence. I try to lead and inspire.
Money flows out, money flows in.
Live simply, I tell myself. Then friends say to me they are going to Tulum, Mexico for a wild adventure and I concede.
But seriously, I try to fashion a life I’m proud of fashioning. That goes for finding love as well, albeit, on paper, I look like a failure.
In the other parts of my life, I am succeeding, so why not this most essential part of me?
Success in work, friendship, or family brings me pride because of the laughter, joy, trust, happiness, hard work, and teamwork that happens daily.
Most of all, I want to live, really feel alive. This feeling of alive isn’t always there, but most of the time it is. If it isn’t there, I just fake it until it comes back.
Do the best always fake it until they make it?
And that goes for romantic love as well, because I’ve had it. I’ve felt it. I’ve been thinking of her, that woman that takes up my heart like the swell of an ocean, that friendship that has me rolling around on my face like wild oats for breakfast.
The infatuation comes and goes, but real compatibility finds a way to grow even closer.
I want to feel the sun and sand of a Caribbean island for months at a time. I want to hold a woman’s hand thank her for trusting me in all the distrust of myself. I don’t want to be mad at my past failures, I want to grow from them.
You don’t always get closure or growth when you want it. Sometimes, you have to move on, write a letter to yourself, go hit Burning Man, and change (heal) that part of you that needs changing (healing).
“Hey BAE, let’s ride into the sunset. Let’s growth mindset each other until we die.”
Dreams of true love tinker with my brain.
I want to go to Stockholm and sip espresso in a corner cafe and talk about my true self with someone. I want to touch and hold a lover’s hand that accepts me and my life. My faults. My flaws. My burps. My silent farts.
My sweet one pack of abs.
The point of all this shit is to enjoy it, to make people’s lives better, to make everyone rise up and live happier; to make your partner’s experience even better than it already is.
Yet, I stop when I could share more. Do more. Touch more. Love more. Inspire more. Sex in the champagne room, more.
Do my fears outweigh my need for love or do I just know when I’m not compatible with someone?
I always try to tell someone the truth about why it didn’t work between us, even if it is hard to do. I believe honesty helps people grow.
But am I serial judger?
I’m not talking about judging awkward one night stands either.
One of my flaws is I tend to judge quickly — what a woman hides or shares is often telling. I often ask a weird question or two throughout a date to understand them.
Because it shows a person’s values, and values are crucial in connecting your compatibility with another.
Here are my 10 questions to ask a possible partner:
“Would you date yourself? Why?”
“What is the last thing you did you were truly proud of? Why?”
“What three qualities do you most admire about yourself? Why?”
“When you wake up, what do you think or do first? What do you that for?”
“If you rode a horse into town on Wednesday and left two days later on Wednesday, how did you do it?”
(hint: it has four legs).
“If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?”
“Did you vote for Trump, why?”
(hint: if yes, now go waterboard yourself and get back to me).
“What’s your biggest weakness as a human? Strength?”
“If you could go to one country and live for five years, where would you go and why?”
“How many relationships have you had and why didn’t they work out?”
(hint: don’t ask this too soon).
These compatibility questions unleash a person’s true values, beliefs, strengths, and weaknesses in a natural way (or unnatural way).
These questions may sound judgmental, but I’ve failed in a 10-year relationship before and losing love was rough on me.
So my questions come from a place of genuinely wanting to understand someone since I can’t invest as much time as I would like. So I cut to the chase. I drop the bomb. I usually do the running man dance within the first three minutes of a dance-off.
Friends tell me: Huff, dude, just hold off on the insta-bomb of weird. Let them first understand you aren’t crazy, just be normal at first.
But yeah, okay, I’ll hold off, but then again, doesn’t the weird face-off mean she will either love me or despise me?
Then again, I am in no place to settle down, due to my travels, even if she does love those parts of me.
When is there a place or routine or time to fall in love in your thirties?
Instead, I just keep learning about love and relationship:
I know my five love languages.
I know my Four Agreements.
I did my Myers-Briggs.
I even did Strength Finders 2.0.
(hint: my biggest strength? Empathetic).
John Gottman is the man.
Yet, I have no routine, no woman, no compatibility most of the time.
Is it because I am traveling like a wild black crow without a rookery?
By the way, how do people keep marriages together when travel is there primary source of income?
Grow up Huff, that’s easy. You just do the best you can where you are.
Women confuse me just as much as I confuse myself. I wait for nature to pull me in, and then I expect a laughing friendship to consummate the attraction and it never happens that way.
Did romantic comedies ruin me?
Will I never have a real friendship and a hot mamma named Caroline from Columbia that is a master of sketch comedy?
Yet, most of my dates are with Becky from Oak Park with three kids, a divorce, and no travel/life experiences.
I think of the days of past when I had a loving relationship when I felt supported, when I’d come home and know another human would be there, waiting to interact, or cuddle, or watch Netflix.
Why she didn’t want to work it out, I’ll never know.
My fears stop me from diving in and my conditioning stops me from trusting the process. I’ve had great women in my life, I just hope I can find a place to stay and start loving again inside a compatible structure of trust and respect.