The ol’ shit down the back day.
You ever had a shitty day and wonder how to change it?
With every push, there must be an equal pull. With every workout, an equal recovery. With every laugh, an equal amount of cries.
But in life, in startups, in fitness, in improving oneself, do we all have that conversation with ourselves?
Fuck man, what am I doing with my life?
I do this all the time.
Maybe that’s why you are here, reading this, so you can feel less shitty.
Your truth, my truth, everyone’s truth is subjective, so do whatever you want, right?
But I tell myself shitty stories that aren’t true and I bet you may too. We all tell our own stories — the ones filled with pain, with trauma, with suffering, and the victim mentality — and then we realize the source of the problem may never be changed. If we can’t change the real problem, why complain and let our stories manifest in other ways as they start stacking on top of each other like layers of frozen ice and blocking the flow of water.
Jack Nicklaus never missed a three foot putt, he once said to a group.
A man raised his hand. No Jack, you have, the man said.
Again Jack answered, no, I’ve never missed a three foot and I’ve never three putted the final hole.
The guy that asked that question later found out, he was there to learn how Jack thought, not the other way around.
Don’t focus on the negative, shitty experiences in your life. Learn from them and grow into a positive person.
If you do stay in victim mode, an iceberg forms where courage should spring, where passion should jump, or where purpose and adventure should flow.
And holding onto shitty moments, our life manifests in harmful behaviors: a lack of self-love. An obsession with work and no balance. A life driven by fear rather than love. Words become fool’s gold. You are a fake. Your conversations tepid. Your life quarter lies, that roll into half lies, that roll into full lies. And what happens is, like most people that live unconsciously, they become materialistically driven by decisions they don’t truly make.
You say, “I’ll get this new thing and then I won’t buy another. I’ll do this thing and then never do it.”
But you do buy another. You do skip another dream. Because it makes you forget the pain you still feel — the emptiness you must fill.
You say, “I’ll start that dream, or that travel, or that business, or work out now, or date her, or love that woman for an eternity.”
But you are fucking lying, man.
I know because I was the same fearful dude telling the same lies, living the same life.
Yes, I’m fucked up too.
The difference between successful, happy people and the others (that aren’t) isn’t the fucked up shit that happens, it’s the mindset you take and learn from the fucked up shit.
The fucked up shit is what made me who I am today.
But the past is sneaky. It caroms back into us in weird ways. And what happened then isn’t now and even though I wanted the truth as a kid, and never got it, I am able to talk about the truth now. Here I am, 30 years later, writing about the truth. And that is just it.
The truth is always hard to hear and admit.
We’re all flawed. And yeah, it’s embarrassing to even talk about it. The truth feels like my soul is open to judgment because a lot of my stories I tell myself manifest because I believe the answers I never got as a kid still matter.
Let me tell you something, that shit doesn’t matter.
Even if I have the courage to say my truth, it doesn’t validate my victim mindset.
The real truth is, I should honor what happened to me, I should love the hard experiences for what they did to me.
This has created who I am today.
Wait, who am I?
I’m a fucking person that cares and wants to help others get to what they want to become. To inspire change internally. I’m a man that cares about harmony, chaos, and saying my truth more.
I was fourteen when it happened. And that trauma, whatever pain and suffering a kid feels, well, the torch gets lit, and then it gets passed. And they don’t even mean to pass it.
That torch became a goddamn-big-ass flamethrower for my life.
I blamed them for that flamethrower inside me, that rage, that anger, that fueled my basketball dreams, my fire and my fury.
Fuck, why isn’t life fair to a 14-year old kid?
But the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset, a victor and a victim, is how we use that pain to grow. So yeah, if we are going blame someone for the bad shit, then we should also blame him for the good shit too.
I mean it’s only fair, right?
Yet, most people just want that victim story. That sob story. Lately, I don’t seem to give a fuck about what I write or what I say. Maybe it’s being 39. Maybe it will hurt feelings. Unfortunately, the truth hurts feelings, but it also lets people move on and grow.
If I feel the truth holding me back, then I should do something about it. I should talk about it. Say it. But I should see the whole scope of what that experience was and not place judgment on two adults trying their best to raise a sensitive kid.
Maybe this is a bit dramatic, but stick with me here: who do you blame for what is good and bad in your life?
Try taking responsibility for that blaming, and blame the good and the bad that comes from any experience or person. Realize out of any pain, suffering, or trauma comes a chance for redemption, truth, and conversations about the good that blossomed from the bad ashes. The reason pain happens is because you loved “said person.” The pain still exists because you still love “said person.” That love is and has always been there, under the shit sandwich of suffering, pain, and a family that blew up like a landmine.
With every push, there must be an equal pull.
So if you love someone that hurt you, call them and blame them for everything, the good and the bad.
Thank them for the good and also, tell them how the pain hurt you.
“Yes, I love you, and I also blame you for making me put me in this fight.”